Shatters of the Heart
by Andrea O'Down
Summary: For years now, Raph has been hiding his feelings for April. It's getting harder and harder, though.
1. Chapter 1

_So I stumbled upon this very old Raphril-piece I wrote ages ago today. I originally wrote it for my writing-project "Secrets of the Woods" on tumblr which I had to put on hiatus. But somehow, this piece still spoke to me, and I decided to write more about Raph and his feelings for April. So I use the original piece as some sort of a prologue and go from there. The story is going to take place during the Turtles' stay at the farmhouse, though there are going to be some differences to the show's canon, of course. So this story is going to be AU._

 _As for the title, it was inspired by the song "Matters of the Heart" by Tracy Chapman which I really like._

 _Poor Raph, going to get his heart shattered! Or is he? ;) Have fun reading! ^^_

* * *

 _She's a_ girl _, Donnie, you're a_ mutant _. It's never going to happen!_

These words follow Raph everywhere. They're always there, in his head, echoing, sometimes silent as the whisper of the wind, sometimes loud as a thunderstorm, but for years now, they've never disappeared completely. This voice in his head, it just won't shut up.

Raph hates the voice, hates the words, hates that he has to hurt Donnie. But what he hates most is that he could change Donnie's name for his own and it would make just as much sense.

 _She's a_ girl _, Raph, you're a_ mutant _. It's never going to happen!_

This is his mantra, his everyday motto. It's not like he really has to remind himself of the fact that he and April would never be together. He knows that. He knows that for sure!

But still, the words won't go away. They haunt him, poke him, tear at his heart, fuel his anger. But he has become really good at ignoring them. They're there, he can hear them, but he's learned to act as if he didn't.

Ever since he had realized his feelings for April had changed to something more than friendship or family, he's been practicing. And he perfected his ignoring-tactic.

No one has realized. Heck, he hadn't even realized himself at the beginning!

He has never been really close to April, so keeping his distance after the big realization didn't cause any suspicion.

At first, he avoided her because he didn't trust her, then he tried to stay away from her because he had to.

No one knows what he has been going through all these years, and no one ever will.

He hasn't fallen in love with her at first sight like Donnie. No, no lovey-dovey, head-over-heels falling in love for him.

No, he just realized one day that there was this incomprehensible urge to be close to April. Until something clicked and he understood.

He wishes he never had, though.

Then his fight began. Yes, he's been fighting off his feelings for April ever since.

He has kept his matter-of-factly attitude towards her, has treated her as a friend. He still does, he always will. But more than that simply isn't possible.

Because she is a girl, and he is a mutant. She is human, and he is not.

There are these moments when he lets her a bit closer to him, after he helped her at TCRI, supporting her after she did this crazy mind-thing. Or when he played the Donnie-puppet not only for Mikey, but for her as well.

But even if there'd be a small chance that a human could return a mutant's feelings – which there isn't – he'd never be able to confess his feelings. Because of Donnie. Donnie is his brother, and he loves April so much that it hurts him, he loves her so much that it even hurts Raph himself.

Raph's brothers come first. No matter what.

And Raph would never do something that could ruin Donnie's chances – as thin or non-existent as they are.

He'd give Donnie a reality-check every now and then because he can't see Donnie suffer. Yes, this means he has to hurt him, but sometimes, shock therapy is all that works. But he'd never do something to keep Donnie away from April – or the other way round. He even supported Donnie after they had saved April's dad.

And Raph will keep on supporting Donnie if he has to, even if it makes his heart go crazy with pain. If it means that with every time he supports Donnie his heart threatens to shatter. Even if it always feels like a small, tiny shard of his heart breaks off and is lost forever.

But that's okay. Raph can deal with pain. He can't deal with a suffering brother.

So no one will ever know about his feelings for April.

No one, but Raph himself.

That moment, April passes him on her way to her room.

Raph watches her for a split second.

 _She's human, Raph, you're not. It's never going to happen!_


	2. Chapter 2

Raph's sure he shouldn't use the word "good" in this context, because, really, there isn't anything good about Leo's coma. But if he went out on a limb, he might say that the _good_ thing about Leo's recent condition is that Raph looks after him, that Raph can spend hours sitting there on a stool and watching his brother.

Yes, it is hard at times, most of the times, actually, but it gives Raph time to think. Granted, thinking has never been his strong suit, but now that he's forced to think, it actually helps him to calm down. He can't walk around the bathroom and punch walls and cry out his anger although he wants to do that sometimes. He has to keep his anger down. For Leo's sake. And thus whenever Raph enters the bathroom a calmness comes over him, even if it just is the calmness of not being able to go berserk around here. He just sits down on his stool, watching Leo, hearing his calm breaths, and hoping he'll wake up soon.

It helps.

It helps with keeping his anger at bay about all the terrible things that have happened to them, their home, their father - the moments he thinks about Splinter are the moments his anger threatens to get the best of him, but never does -, and Leo. It helps with dealing with the fact that he and April now live under the same roof. Which is hard enough as it is. Yes, April has lived with them before, but that was at their lair, their _home_. Now they are here at April's place, her old home. Everything around here is hers, everything around here somehow reminds Raph of her, and while it was hard enough to deal with April living at the lair with them, it is so much harder to deal with living with April in a house where almost everything Raph sets his eyes own seems to have an invisible name tag on it, an invisible name tag saying "April O'Neil."

Raph catches himself thinking about how it must have been, living here, when April has still been a kid. The good thing is - and this time it really is a good thing - that Raph gets a hold on himself before these thoughts can sink in too deeply.

And if they do sink in, he can always leave the house and go for a walk in the woods. Or punch trees. Or run until his lungs burn and he has to stop.

That helps, too. But the most effective thing is watching over Leo.

Not to mention that Raph is really worried about him. It's been such a long time and Leo still hasn't woken up. Donnie even mentioned something that maybe they should consider that option that Leo will never…

Raph didn't let Donnie finish this sentence, and now, he doesn't allow himself to finish this thought.

Leo _will_ wake up. Leo _has to_ wake up!

This is Leo, his brother, and Leo is strong! Leo can handle this! He will find his way back to them. He has to, he simply _has to!_

Raph wants him to wake up so badly it hurts sometimes. Okay, it hurts all of the time, but Raph is so used to feeling pangs in his heart, to feeling his heart crack and shards of it breaking off, that sometimes, he doesn't even realize.

But he'd rather spend hours hoping, wishing, demanding Leo to wake up than thinking about April. Because there's a chance, no, there's this incontrovertible truth that Leo is going to wake up. And there's nothing, but lost hope when it comes to April. _Him_ and April.

So, yes, he should worry more about Leo, think more about Leo, do more to help Leo and even if this means telling him over and over again that he's strong.

Unfortunately, his brain doesn't always listen. When he isn't careful, he even starts thinking about April when he's in the bathroom watching over his brother. He hates it, he hates it so very much, but sometimes, he can't stop himself.

But in spite of everything, this bathroom with his unconscious brother in the tub is the room where he thinks about April the least. And when these thoughts make their way from his heart to his brain anyway, he can stop them. Although, sometimes he even thinks about telling Leo about it, but then again, who knows what Leo is going to remember once he wakes up? He'd better not take that risk.

So he sits here, thinks a little less about April and worries a bit more about his brother.

It helps.

* * *

 _Raph?_

The voice is gentle, although a bit concerned. And it's a voice Raph loves to hear, loves listening to. So he doesn't say anything just to hear it again.

 _Raph?_

The voice is still gentle, but a bit louder this time. Raph wants to reply this time, but somehow, he can't.

Could she say his name again? Just once, please?

"Raph!" April says, and Raph wakes with a start.

"I'm sorry!" April says. "I didn't mean to wake you. It's just, dinner's ready, and Mikey asked me to get you, and I don't think you should sleep sitting on that stool, and … I'm sorry!"

Raph looks at her, his vision just focussing, and he realizes that she's knelt down next to his stool and looks at him with a little frown wrinkling her forehead.

He doesn't like the wrinkle at all, he doesn't like that she looks so contrite, but he likes that she's looking at him.

"I'm sorry," she says again.

And then she places a hand on his shoulder. It almost makes him jump, but he can fight it down just in time. It's a gentle gesture, and Raph enjoys it more than he should, the feeling of her smooth skin against his, the warmth radiating from her hand and spreading through his body. It feels … good.

And that's bad, really, really bad. But because he's still not one-hundred percent awake - or maybe, just maybe because it feels so good - he allows her to keep her hand on his shoulder for a moment longer before he shakes it off and gets to his feet so quickly, April jumps a little.

She looks at him with wide eyes, but he just shrugs.

"Let's go," he says and April nods.

He should probably help her up, but he doesn't. It's too risky. He can still feel the warmth of her hand on his shoulder, he can still remember how good it felt. Touching her again and be it only to help her up, he isn't sure he can handle that.

So he just turns around and leaves the room. He sets his feet on the ground with a little too much force, hoping his loud steps are drowning out the sound of his heart hammering in his chest.


	3. Chapter 3

Raph loves these moments when he can spend time with April without raising any suspicions. When he can be close to her, even talk to her without thinking about what he can say and what he can't. Without having to think about if what he says sounds neutral or annoyed or angry enough.

These moments pretty much only happen during training. When he tells April what she should do. When he corrects her. When he shows her how it's really done.

Okay, granted, sometimes he does show off, just a little, but hey, why not? He is the best fighter around here, so a little showing off is more than okay, isn't it? Especially if it brings him some admiring glances from April.

Although he has to admit, he isn't sure they really are admiring. Maybe she's just looking at him. But that's fine, too. He just likes to think that there is some admiration in her eyes.

He even likes sparring with her, although it means he has to hurt her. But that's okay. It helps her getting stronger.

And there's nothing wrong with getting stronger. On the contrary, it's good. It's _important._

And if it gets April to look at him, that's even better.

The look April had in her eyes today was so full of strength, so full of determination, Raph was even a bit proud of himself. And he was proud of April!

And then April hit him. He didn't see that one coming. Not at all. Maybe, just maybe, he was a little distracted by the sparkle in her eyes. Which shouldn't have happened.

He's a fighter, he's a _ninja!_ Some beautiful blue eyes shouldn't distract him. No matter _how_ beautiful they are. Which in April's case of course are the most beautiful blue eyes there are.

He still can feel where April's fist impacted with his jaw. He rubs over the spot every once in a while with his fingers. Maybe a bit more often than that. Not because it still hurts. It doesn't. It didn't hurt long.

No, he does it because it makes him remember the strength, the determination, the sparkle in April's eyes. And whenever he thinks about it, his heart starts beating a bit faster and a warm feeling spreads in his body.

All of that is okay, all of that, he can handle.

The problem is that every time he touches the spot where April hit him, every time he remembers the sparkle in April's eyes, his mouth threatens to turn into a smile. And that is something he just cannot let happen.

It's hard, but he manages to keep the corners of his mouth down. Well, for as long, as April isn't too close to him. But during dinner, Raph finds that somehow his eyes are drawn towards April, even more than usual. And what is even worse is that now he remembers the sparkle in April's eyes even without touching his jaw.

He somehow makes it through dinner, although Mikey and Casey keep making fun of him because April managed to hit him during training today. But that's okay. It gives him a reason to get angry and to shout at them. It even gives him a chance to leave dinner early. He just lets out a frustrated groan and stomps out of the room.

For a moment, he even thinks of going to the bathroom and watch over Leo, but something tells him that this isn't going to work today.

So he takes another path, opens a window and climbs out on the roof. There he lies down and stares into the sky, only touching his jaw every once in a while.

He has no idea how long is up there on the roof. He only realizes that the sky turns darker and darker until he ends up staring into the night sky.

"There you are!" a voice suddenly calls and when he turns his head he sets eyes on Casey, poking his head out of the window in the attic.

"Yeah," Raph replies with shrug as he turns his head away from Casey again to stare into the night sky. "Here I am."

"Just wanted to tell you, we're starting a Crognard-marathon in five minutes. Wanna join?"

"Nope," Raph says.

"Oh, come on!" Casey says and Raph doesn't miss the annoyance in his voice. "Don't be a jerk! Just because Red landed a blow on you today?!"

"Who said that's the reason?" Raph replies.

"Isn't it?"

Raph shrugs again. "Who knows?"

"But-" Casey breaks off and lets out a frustrated groan. "Whatever!"

And the next thing Raph hears is how the window is closed.

He takes a deep breath, touches his jaw again and lets his thoughts drift towards April.

Then the window is opened again.

"For heaven's sake, Casey! I said I don't want to watch Crognard!" he calls out.

But when he turns his head, it's not Casey who's looking out of the window. It's April.

"Oh, s-," Raph begins, but he can stop himself just in time.

"Oh, so it's you," he adds, trying really hard to make his voice sound annoyed.

"Yeah," April replies. "It's me."

And then the teenage girl does something that makes Raph's heart skip a beat. She climbs out on the roof and moves over to him.

Out of reflex, Raph sits up, his eyes wide.

 _Nonono,_ he thinks. _Stay away!_

But because he's only thinking it, because he can't say it out loud, April moves closer. Then she settles down next to him, and Raph's heart is thumping in his chest so loudly, he's afraid April might hear it.

Just in time, he remembers that he's still looking at her, so he forces his eyes away, wrinkling his forehead into a deep frown.

"What do you want?" he asks, hating the fact that he has to sound so angry, although he really enjoys having April this close to him. Okay, he loves _and_ hates having April so close, loves it because it's _April_ and hates it because he just shouldn't enjoy it. Not even a bit.

April lowers her eyes and bites down on her lower lip, he can see it from the corner of his eye.

"I'm sorry," she says. "If I had known that it'd upset you so much, I wouldn't have hit you during training."

 _What?_ Raph can't believe what he's hearing. April's _sorry?_ She shouldn't be! No, not at all! She should be proud, just as proud as he is! She's getting _stronger_ , that's so amazing! Why would she even think that…

And then it hits him. Of course April is thinking that he's acting so weird because she hit him, not because of his true feelings. She doesn't know about them. She never will.

April raises her gaze to look at him. "I'm sorry, Raph!"

"Don't be!" Raph says and before he can stop himself, he puts a hand on April's shoulder. The moment his hand touches her, it sends a warm wave through his body - and a little pang to his heart. Because he shouldn't be doing this.

But it'd be weird to take his hand away again immediately, so he keeps it there.

"You-" He breaks off because his voice sounded way too hoarse, so he clears his throat and tries again. "You're getting stronger. That's great!"

"But you-" April begins, but he doesn't let her finish.

"It's just hurt pride," he cuts in. "Don't even think about it."

April looks at him, her eyes a bit wide, and then he does something he's never done before, something he's never dared to do. He smiles at her.

And then the most amazing thing happens. April returns the smile.

Raph's heart picks up even more speed, but he ignores it. What he can't ignore, though, is the warm feeling spreading through his body, the urge to lean in closer, the need to not only touch her shoulder.

It makes the alarm bells ring in his head.

He gives her shoulder a quick squeeze before he removes his hand.

"Now go watch some Crognard with the others," he says.

"What about you?" April asks.

"I…" Raph wracks his brain for what to say. "I need to lick my wounds for a bit longer. But no worries, I'll be okay."

"Okay," April says, and Raph is relieved to see that she gets ready to leave.

But all of a sudden, April wraps her arms around his neck and pulls him into a quick embrace.

"Thank you, Raph!" she says.

"You're … welcome," he manages to say, although it's hard to form words.

And then April lets go of him, smiles at him and leaves.

Raph watches her climb back inside, fighting down the urge to call after her and say what he can never tell her.

That he doesn't want her to leave.


	4. Chapter 4

Raph isn't sure if he can remember what it's like to feel comfortable in your skin, to feel just the way you want to feel, to feel, well, _not_ torn. Yes, there's been a time when he felt that way, a time when he was angry because he felt angry and comfortable because he felt comfortable. But that time seems ages ago. Or like it happened in another lifetime.

Now he has to act angry although he feels comfortable and the other way round. Because that's what he _should_ feel.

He can't show how comfortable he is around April, he can't show how angry he gets when she spends time with Donnie or Casey or even Mikey, and that's why he has to act the way he is supposed to feel. It's unsettling, but he can't even show that. The acting, that's all that's left.

All in all, it feels so wrong. _He_ feels so wrong. Like that's not him. Like there's the real him hidden somewhere inside him and his skin is the border he just cannot cross.

Maybe that's the reason why it feels like his skin is crawling sometimes. Or on fire. Or like it is just too tight for him.

He hates this feeling, he hates that he has to act, he hates that he has to hide what's going on inside him. And he hates that he can't even talk about it.

That's why the time he looks after Leo, the time he spends on that stool and watches his unconscious brother breathe, is so important to him. That's his safe place. That's where he allows himself to show that he's sad. That's where he allows himself to show how much he hates all of this.

Yes, it's his safe place, indeed. Because showing his true emotions here is safe.

If someone ever catches him wiping away a tear, they'd think it's because he's worried about Leo. Which he is, of course, just not in the way they think.

If they catch him sitting on his stool clenching his fists so much that his knuckles turn white and gnashing his teeth so much that it hurts, they'd think it's because he hates that Leo still hasn't woken up. Which he does, of course, but not in the way they think.

At some point, he's even starting to hate himself for feeling so safe there in the bathroom. What if that's the reason why Leo hasn't woken up? Because Raph is safe here and Leo just doesn't want to take that away from him.

It's a stupid thought, Raph knows that. But somehow, it settles deep inside him and it makes him feel bad. Very bad, to be honest. But that's okay. He can show this feeling at least. Although he might have to say that he's feeling bad because Leo hasn't woken up yet if someone asks about it. Which they don't. They never do.

No one has ever asked Raph about his feelings. And that's a good thing. While he has become really good at acting, he isn't so sure if he'd be as good when it comes to saying the right words. Acting the feelings he is supposed to have is easy now, but saying the words he is supposed to say? That's a totally different thing. He's never been that good at talking. Sometimes, he even has problems finding the right words, so how on earth is he supposed to find the words he is _supposed_ to say?

Raph sighs as he studies Leo's face.

"This is so messed up, Leo," he says.

He never really felt like talking to Leo, but right now, Raph just has to talk to someone, even if this someone is unconscious. Or maybe because this someone is unconscious. Raph isn't so sure about that.

Yes, he knows that Leo might remember what he says once he wakes up, but these words are safe, aren't they? Just as safe as this place is. As long as he keeps them vague, everything is going to be okay, right?

But he really _needs_ to talk to someone.

Raph wipes over his faces with one hand.

"You have no idea how messed up this is, Leo," he goes on. "I am so angry and torn and just feeling … off. Yes, _off_ is the right word, I guess." He studies his brother's face a little more closely. "I am feeling so off, Leo, like there's the real me deep inside me and the me I am supposed to be on the outside. It's just … wrong." He lowers his eyes, his voice barely more than a whisper as he continues, "So wrong, Leo, so very wrong."

He allows the sadness to get the upper hand, he doesn't even try to blink the tears away.

When he looks up, his vision is blurry, but he can see one thing for sure.

Two blue eyes are looking back at him.


	5. Chapter 5

_Just a reminder, this story is AU. So if some things don't fit the show's canon, that's why. ;)_

* * *

"Leo?!" Raph calls out and launches forward, his hands grabbing the rim of the tub. "You-you're awake!"

He darts to the door and tears it open.

"Guys!" he calls as loudly as he can. "Get up here!"

And then he's back by the tub and looks at Leo. He's wacking his brain for the right words, but he fails completely.

So he asks instead, "How are you feeling?" Which is probably a stupid question, but the only one that makes sense.

"Are you in pain?" he asks further which doesn't sound as stupid.

Leo opens his mouth to say something, but in that moment, the others come running in, gathering around the tub.

"Hi guys!" Leo says to them, and his voice sounds so so hoarse, so raspy, so _wrong_ , it hurts Raph's ears.

"What happened to his voice?" he asks into Donnie's direction who's checking Leo's condition.

"He sustained some damage to his throat," Donnie replies. "And pretty much everywhere else, for that matter."

Raph doesn't ask the other question on his mind, the one that sends a pang to his heart.

 _So is he going to sound like that forever?_

He doesn't like it, not one bit. He remembers Leo's voice so very well. He can still hear it in his head.

And now Leo is going to have a different voice for the rest of his life? Raph isn't sure if he can handle that. Yes, he can deal with scars because if he doesn't want to see them, he doesn't have to. Scars can be ignored. Scars can be covered. A voice? Not so much. And Raph doesn't like that now Leo's voice is always going to remind him of what happened. Of all the messed-up things. Of Shredder. The Kraang. The invasion of New York. Of the fact that Leo almost died.

He can feel a cold fist close around his heart, squeezing, hurting. And he doesn't like that either.

But when Donnie asks him for help to get Leo out of the tub and into their room, Raph is by his side immediately.

Because this is him, Raph, and he will always help his brothers.

* * *

Days pass and Raph still isn't used to Leo's new voice. It still sends a pang to his heart whenever his brother speaks up.

But Raph decides that he just needs to endure it. He'll get used to it one day. Hopefully.

Raph makes it his business to help Leo recover, to get him back in shape. This means that he has to hear Leo's new voice more often, but that is fine. Maybe it'll help.

So it is him who forces Leo to go for little walks to build up some muscles. It is him who makes sure that Leo takes this weird mutagen-medicine Donnie cooked up.

And that's okay. It gives Raph something to do. And he needs something to do, now that he no longer has his safe place. And maybe that's even better than his safe place because he doesn't have as much time to think.

Which he decides is a good thing. But he's wrong. Because as he can't think about all these things that bother him during the day, the thoughts find him during the night.

It doesn't bother him that he spends the first night after Leo's woken up, lying awake. It doesn't bother him that he spends the following night lying awake. He can handle a few nights without sleep. Heck, he has barely slept while Leo was unconscious, so that shouldn't be so hard, right? Just a few nights without sleep until he's used to the new rhythm, and everything's going to be okay, right?

No. Because it doesn't work. He doesn't get used to this new rhythm, he just can't sleep. Not one second. And after four days, it's starting to show. He zones out, he dozes off while watching TV, one time even during breakfast. He thinks it's a good sign because maybe that means he's finally tired enough to sleep at night. But as soon as he lies down in his bed, he's wide awake.

He isn't sure if it is the fact that he's starting to look like a zombie that makes Donnie and Mikey insist to take Leo for his walk, but he can't even muster up enough anger to protest. He's too finished for that. So he just sits down on the couch and stares at the TV. He doesn't even see what's on. He doesn't even care. Maybe ha can take a nap, just a few minutes, just long enough that he stops looking like a zombie.

From the distance he can hear someone chopping wood and someone puttering around in the kitchen. He remembers that Casey mentioned something about chopping wood, so it obviously must be April's turn to cook lunch.

 _April…_

And he's wide awake again. He lets out a frustrated groan and slaps his hand over his face.

"Raph?" someone says and when he looks up he finds April standing in the living room and looking at him.

"Yeah?" he asks.

"Are you okay?"

"Do I look okay?" he asks back, not even trying to keep the annoyance out of his voice.

"No, you don't," April says, and Raph watches with rising panic that she walks up to the couch and sits down next to him. He somehow manages to keep the look on his face normal. Or as bad as he's feeling. Or so he hopes.

"You haven't been sleeping, right?" April asks.

"Well, I guess that's pretty obvious from the zombie-state I'm in, huh?" He says it with as much annoyance as he can muster up and turns back to the TV. He hopes that shows her that he doesn't want her here. He needs to keep April at a distance, and she's already too close, way too close!

April doesn't say anything which confuses him, so he looks at her from the corner of his eye. And he doesn't like what he says. April looks at him with wide eyes, and there's something in her eyes that looks like sadness, maybe? Or discomfort or … well, he doesn't know. He only knows he doesn't like it.

He turns back to her completely. "What?"

April studies his face, and it makes his skin prickle, but he ignores it as much as he can.

"Why are you always like that?" she asks.

"What do you mean?" he asks back.

"Well, this, you!" April calls out what makes him jump a little. "Sometimes, you act like you don't want to have me around you. How is this possible, Raph? We've been through so much together! I trust you! And I know you trust me! So why do you act so weird?"

 _That's because I love you, but you can never find out!_

Those are the words on his mind, but he can never say them.

He could now tell her that he doesn't like her, that she's wrong and he doesn't trust her and he just bears with her because his brothers like her so much.

Yes, he could tell her that. And maybe he should. It for sure would keep her away from him, once and for all.

But he can't do that. He cares too much about her to hurt her like that. Not to mention that it makes him so very happy that she said that she trusts him.

His mask falters a bit, he knows that, as he wipes over his face with his hand.

"I'm sorry," he says. "It's just … I don't know. I guess I am just in a bad mood most of the time. So many things have happened, and I guess I am just not good at dealing with them." He looks at her, allows himself to look deeply into her eyes. "Don't tell the others, though. I have a reputation to keep. You know, I'm the tough guy."

April nods a little. "Okay, that makes sense, I guess. But why me? You are best friends with Casey and he joined our little group after me."

"I wish I knew," he lies. "All I know is that I'm sorry."

That last sentence isn't a lie. He is sorry. Sorry that he has to act like that around her. Sorry that he has to keep her at a distance. Sorry that he has to lie to her.

April lowers her eyes. "Is there something you can do about it? I am … not happy with this."

"I'll try," he says.

"Okay." April looks up at him.

"For a start, I'll try to get some sleep," he says, hoping that she'll leave now. She's been too close for too long already.

"Maybe I can help with that," she replies.

"How?" he asks.

"Just lie down and close your eyes," April says as she gets up from the couch.

Raph raises a brow, but does as he's told.

"It's something my dad used to do when I couldn't sleep as a kid," she explains, and her voice sounds so close that Raph has to fight the urge to open his eyes again, so that he can check how close _exactly_ she is.

And then he feels April's fingers on his temples, gently, carefully massaging them. It almost makes him jump off the couch, but he can fight it down. But April's gentle touches make his heart race in his chest that he's pretty sure that he'll be too excited to actually fall asleep.

But after a while, he relaxes. He even starts to enjoy it, although he probably shouldn't.

 _This is actually feeling very nice_ , is the last thought he thinks before he drifts off to sleep.


	6. Chapter 6

Raph didn't mean to watch them. He didn't mean to eavesdrop. It just happened.

He's standing at the window, and it's just a coincidence that he can watch April chopping wood from there. Yes, just a coincidence.

And then Donnie shows up, and Raph thinks of retreating. He doesn't, though, and it's the right decision.

Because then, Donnie speaks up. He tells April that he finally understands, that he gets it now.

"I am just a mutant," that's what Donnie says, and Raph lets out the breath he's been holding in a sigh of relief.

Okay, the miserable look on Donnie's face when he says that hurts Raph a little, but he's used to seeing a hurt Donnie. He even has to hurt him himself sometimes.

Like a few days ago when Donnie made a music box for April. A music box! Raph didn't like that, he didn't like that Donnie was putting all this effort into something that was bound to fail right from the start.

And so he gave Donnie another reality check. Donnie was still hurt from April's reaction, and then Raph had to hurt him even more by telling him the obvious. Again.

That hurt Raph, but he didn't show it. He hid it, he hid it well. He's really good at it now.

What bothers him a bit is that it took a Bigfoot, a crazy-about-Donnie Bigfoot to make his brother understand. But he can live with that. At least Donnie gets it now. He has no chance with April. That's good.

Raph is about to retreat from his post at the window, he's already moving, but he stops when he hears April's words.

"You're not just a mutant, Donnie," she says, and Raph moves a bit closer to the window to have a better look.

"You're _my_ mutant," April goes on.

And then she moves closer to Donnie. It takes Raph a while to understand what she is going for, but when he does, he freezes. He watches how April moves her lips closer and closer to Donnie's. Every inch hurts Raph, more and more the closer she gets. And then she presses a kiss on Donnie's lips, a sweet, gentle kiss. The longer it lasts the more Raph tenses up, the more he wants to scream. But he fights it down.

And then it's over and April pulls away. When she turns around and walks back to the house, she has such a pleased look on her face that Raph wants to punch the wall.

He can finally draw his eyes away from the scene, he can finally move away. And he does. Quickly. He simply darts out of the house and starts running towards the woods. And he keeps running until he can't anymore because the pain gets the best of him and he sinks to his knees in the middle of the woods. It feels like his heart is breaking, it feels like shard after shard chips off his heart and cuts into his flesh.

He hates it. He should be happy for Donnie. His dreams finally came true! April doesn't care that he's a mutant, and she probably loves him. Donnie must be jumping around in pure joy right now, and Raph should join him. Okay, maybe not join him, but watch him with a shake of his head and a disbelieving laugh.

Instead, Raph is digging his fingers into the ground in the middle of the woods. When he finally manages to get up, Raph starts punching trees over and over, until his knuckles are bruised and hurting. But that's fine. At least now it's not only his heart that is hurting.

He's sweating and out of breath, and he's hurting. And because he doesn't know what else to do he starts out for the farmhouse.

When he comes closer to the farmhouse he sets eyes on a familiar redhead standing on the porch and looking into his direction.

 _Now that's just great!_ Raph thinks. _Just my luck that_ April _is the first person I see after this._

And not only that. When April sets eyes on him, she comes down the porch and goes to meet him. It makes Raph twist his mouth.

"There you are!" April calls out, and Raph hates the fact that she's smiling. Her smile, her _beautiful_ smile is just too much for him to handle right now. "We're doing another Crognard-marathon, but no one could find you."

He could say now that he was out for a run, that it was a short-notice decision, so short-notice that he forgot to tell anyone.

"I saw you," he says instead. "You and Donnie."

April's eyes widen. "Oh."

"So, you're together now?" he asks.

April casts her eyes down, shaking her head a little.

"No," she replies. "No, we aren't."

Somehow, this makes Raph angry. And a bit happy. Maybe a bit more than it should. He concentrates on the angry, though.

"Then what was this all about, the… the _kiss_ and all? What was it about, April?"

He doesn't know if that was angry enough, but he hopes so. He sees April biting down on her lower lip, and that's good. Because it's a sign that she's uncomfortable.

"I don't know," she whispers.

"What?" Raph asks.

April yanks her head up.

"I don't know, okay!?" she calls out. "I was just… I don't know!"

"Then what do you know, April!?"

Okay, that sounded even angrier than he intended, but that's okay. There can never be enough angry.

April bites down on her lower lip even more. And stays silent, casting her eyes down.

"April!"

"I know that I don't want Donnie to give up on me," she finally says, and yes, this should make Raph happy again, happy for Donnie, but it doesn't.

"Why not?" he asks, not as angry, but there's still a warning ring to his voice.

April sighs. "Because it's the only normal thing in my life."

 _What?_

Raph tries to makes sense of what he's hearing. But he can't. It only confuses him, like, a lot.

"What do you mean, it's the only normal thing in your life?" he asks.

"That's what girls my age are supposed to have in their life, a boy who crushes on them. They should be talking about makeup and music and, well, crushes. They shouldn't be hiding somewhere with their mutant friends and figure out how to save a city, a whole planet. They shouldn't have psychic powers and be half a mutant themselves. They should only be… normal, you know."

Now Raph understands. And it makes the anger rise in his chest.

"So you're using Donnie because he makes you feel normal?"

"No, of course not!" April replies. "Well, not just. I like him, Raph, I really do, I just don't know if it's enough."

"You should know, April! For heaven's sake, you _have_ to know! This is _Donnie_ we're talking about!"

"But-"

He doesn't let her finish.

"Figure this out, April!" he tells her. "Like, right now!"

April only casts her eyes down.

Raph doesn't know why, but he puts a hand on April's shoulder and she looks up at him.

"Figure this out," he says, and it sounds way too gentle for his taste. But he can't change that now.

April only nods, and Raph replies with a nod of his own, Then he takes his hand away from her shoulder and walks inside to watch some Crognard.

He doesn't know what to think of April's revelation. He only know he loves and hates it at the same time.

He loves it because Donnie still has a chance. And he hates it because, well, Donnie still has a chance.


	7. Chapter 7

Over the next few days the rooftop turns into Raph's new refuge. Leo is starting training again and Donnie and Mikey insist on helping, too. Raph thinks that maybe the fact that he turned into some sort of a zombie when he overdid helping Leo last time has something to do with their persistence.

He's fine with it. Or so he's trying to tell himself. He'd prefer helping Leo. It'd give him less time to think, On the other hand, if he has less time thinking over the day, this would mean he'll spend his nights thinking. Which would lead into the return of zombie-Raph.

And it's nice up here on the roof. He can stare into the sky. And he can think.

Think about April. Think about how hard he's trying to hate her for what she's doing to Donnie. Think about how he keeps on failing.

No matter how much he hates that April is leading Donnie on, although she isn't sure about her feelings for him, the thing is, he _gets_ it. In a way, at least. With all the things going on in her life - her father being mutated again, fleeing from the city she's lived for so long, not to mention all the other crap that happened - who could really blame her for wanting to have something normal in her life?

Yes, Raph gets it. He never admits it, but there are times when he wants to be normal, too.

It'd be a lot easier if she wouldn't be toying with Donnie's feelings, though. But still Raph gets it.

And as much as he wants to hate April for it, as much as he's trying to love her a little less for it, he can't. He just can't.

With a sigh Raph closes his eyes. Even staring into the sky is too much for him now. The color reminds him of a certain pair of blue eyes, and that's just not good. He can't get himself to leave the rooftop just yet, though, so he puts his arms over his eyes. The crook of his arms serves perfectly as some sort of a shield against the sky and his perfect blue color.

"Raph?" a voice asks, and now it's a good thing Raph has his arm over his face or the flinch the sound of this voice sends through his body would have been too visible.

He didn't expect April to come up here. Now. Again. Ever.

But there she is. He can feel her eyes on him. He knows that for sure because his skin starts prickling.

"What is it?" he replies, trying to sound so very annoyed. Not taking his arm off his face might help with that, too, he thinks.

"Do you have a moment?" April asks.

"For what?" he asks, and he's pleased that he can even raise the level of annoyance in his voice.

"Talking," April replies.

"I'm not much of a talker."

"I know," April says. "But I need to talk to you anyway."

Raph lets out a groan, puts his arm away from his face and sits up.

"Well, then," he says, adding a little sigh, "go ahead and talk to me."

From the corner of his eye he can see her smile a little as she climbs out of the window and enters the rooftop.

 _Nonono, I didn't say you can come closer!_ Raph thinks in panic, but he keeps the words down. He'd probably would yell at April if he said what's on his mind, and somehow, he doesn't want to do that.

So he endures it when April moves closer and sits down next to him. It makes his skin prickle even more. He enjoys it more than he wants to, and thus he hates it.

"So?" he asks, allowing himself to turn his head a little to look at her.

April, however, lowers her eyes as she hugs her knees.

"I talked to Donnie," she says.

"Okay," he replies. He isn't sure what else he should say, so he doesn't say anything, just waits for her to go on.

A few moments in silence pass and when he can't bear it any longer, he speaks up again.

"What did he say?"

April hugs her knees a little tighter. "He didn't like it, of course. At first, I mean. But when I explained that I need to figure out my feelings, his face lightened up. So there's a chance he might go back to making me presents and trying to flirt with me, but that's okay, I guess. I'll just do my best to not lead him on until I have this whole feelings-thing figured out."

Raph shrugs. "Sounds like a plan."

A few more moments in silence pass and Raph can see how April shrinks more into herself.

"It should be Donnie, right?" she asks. "If I ever fall for someone, it should be Donnie, right?"

Raph opens his mouth to say something, but he doesn't know what exactly, so he closes his mouth again.

And April probably didn't expect a reply anyway, because she goes on, "It has to be Donnie, right? I mean, without him, without his crush on me, you guys would have never rescued me and my dad that night. The Kraang would have gotten my DNA way sooner, and the earth would be terraformed by now. Without Donnie and his persistence to save us, the Kraang would have taken over the planet by now. Donnie deserves this, right?"

To that, Raph knows the answer.

"Yeah, he does."

All of a sudden April yanks her head up and looks directly into Raph's eyes.

"Then why am I falling for someone else?" April says, her voice a little louder so that it almost makes Raph jump.

He ponders over April's words for a moment. If she's going to choose Casey, he could understand that. Casey is the easier choice. He's human, too. And although he wouldn't like it, he for sure could forgive Casey one day. He's his best friend after all.

"Casey is…," he begins, but breaks off, not sure what to say.

"A womanizer and when he's flirting with me, he's doing it because he loves flirting. Which is fine. He still is a great guy and a good friend, but I am not talking about him."

Raph's eyes widen a bit in surprise. If she isn't talking about Casey, then who the heck could she be talking about?

"If you're talking about Leo, I'm sorry, April, but he has a thing for Karai," he says.

"I am not talking about Leo."

Raph quickly goes over the other options, although, there's only one left.

"Mikey? Really?" he calls out. "Come on, April! I am not sure Mikey is into that kind of stuff yet. He's still, well, Mikey."

"I am not talking about Mikey, either," April says, and something clicks in Raph's brain,

There is one other option besides Mikey left. And it's the only option Raph can _not_ live with.

The panic rises in his chest again as he realizes how deeply exactly April is looking into his eyes, how she's leaning a little closer to him, how damn beautiful she's looking right now!

No, he can't take it. And he doesn't want to hear it. Not from her. Not ever.

"Raph?" April asks so gently, it sends a pleasant shiver down his spine. Which only makes him panic more.

"No!" he calls out as he jumps to his feet. "You can't be serious!"

Before he realizes what he's doing, he's taken a few steps back.

April gets to her feet, too.

"Raph, I-," she begins, but he doesn't let her finish.

"You can't be serious!" he calls out again before he retreats even more.

"But Raph-," she tries again, and again, he doesn't let her finish.

"Stay away from me!" he calls out.

All he knows now is that he has to get away. And fast. So he jumps down on the canopy of the porch, then down on the ground, and then he starts running.

"Raph!" he hears April call after him.

It only makes him run faster.


	8. Chapter 8

Raph doesn't know how much time passes, but it must have been hours - hours he spent running and punching and kicking trees, and when this doesn't make him feel better he switches to rocks. That doesn't help either, but it's something to do. Something _he_ can do. Something that should keep his thoughts away from what April was about to say.

By the time he has to stop because his lungs are feeling like they were on fire and his hands and feet are hurting from all the punching and kicking, it's dark. He didn't realize before or at least he didn't care. And he doesn't care now. He's a ninja, he can find his way home even in the dark.

With a sigh Raph wipes over his eyes with the back of his hand. Some sweat must have trickled into them because they are burning. They are burning a lot, actually, but he refuses to accept any other explanation than the trickling sweat-one.

When the farmhouse comes into sight, Raph stops. He does _not_ want to go there. He doesn't want to see April again, he doesn't want to give her a chance to talk to him again, he just wants to stay away. But he can't. Because his brothers are there, too, and they are worried, probably, and Leo still needs help, and they have a mission together, and well, the thing is, he can't just run off. No matter how much he'd want to do right now. He can't.

So he takes a deep breath, squares his shoulders and walks towards the farmhouse. His steps falter when he sees someone waiting on the porch. For a moment, he's afraid it's April, but the silhouette is too tall to be hers. And as Raph gets closer, he realizes, it's Donnie.

Raph lets out a sigh of relief, but then his eyes widen a bit when he sees the look on Donnie's face.

"What's up?" Raph asks, trying to keep his tone as matter-of-factly as he can.

"What's up!?" Donnie repeats. "It's in the middle of the night, Raph! That's what's up! You disappeared just like that!"

"I was out for some solo-training," Raph replies with a shrug.

"For six hours!?"

"Yeah," Raph says with another shrug.

Donnie looks at him for a moment, then puts a hand over his eyes, taking a deep breath.

"Look, we all have been worried," he says. "Next time tell us before you're leaving and when you're planning to come back."

"Okay, _Leo_ ," Raph replies, hoping a little joke would smoothen Donnie's mood a bit.

Donnie just lets his hand slide all the way down his face and shoots Raph a glare. Then he sighs again.

"Leo's already asleep. The medicine got the better of him. Mikey and Casey went to bed hours ago, and don't let me get started on April!"

The mention of her name sends a pang to Raph's heart.

"April?" he asks nonetheless before he can think better of it.

"Yeah, she seemed really worried, even looked like she'd been crying. She went to her room a while ago. I wanted to check on her, but she didn't react to my knocking." Donnie looks at Raph for a moment. "Do you think you could at least stop by her room and tell her you're back?"

 _No!_ Raph wants to shout. _You don't know what you're asking for! You can send me there!_

Instead, he shrugs once more. "If I have to."

"Yes," Donnie replies, his tone calm, but strict. "You have to."

With another shrug - really, he should work on another reaction than just shrugging - Raph sets into motion.

* * *

Raph stands in front of April's room. He doesn't want to go in there. Maybe he can just give a gentle knock, whisper that he's back and leave again?

Then he hears Donnie coming up the stairs, and he knows he can't do that. Because Donnie is going to check. He still settles for a gentle knock, though. A gentle knock won't wake April. And he needs to make sure that she really is asleep so he can tell Donnie. So he opens the door.

And what he sees then sends another pang to his heart.

April is sitting on her bed, hugging her knees. Raph can't see her face because she's resting her forehead on her knees.

Raph knows that there might be a chance she's actually sleeping in this position, but he somehow doubts it.

"April?" he asks gently.

"Go away!" April says, proving that she's not sleeping.

Her words make Raph flinch. Granted, he wanted her to stay away from him, but now that she's telling him so directly, it actually hurts.

He knows he should leave now, telling himself that he got what he wished for.

April wants nothing to do with him. April is going to keep a distance. April is going to choose Donnie.

It's what Raph wanted, what he hoped for, what he wished for. He wanted _this!_

He didn't expect it to hurt that much, though. It feels like a red-hot blade is stabbing his heart. It's so painful that Raph can't breathe for a moment.

And in this exact moment he hears something that adds even more pain to his heart. It's a silent sobbing, and Raph has to fight the urge to just get over there and pull April into his arms.

As much as he wants her to choose Donnie, as much as he wants her to stay away from him, he never wanted her to suffer. He never wanted her to cry.

He closes the door and walks over to the bed. Because he can't hug her he kneels down next to the bed.

"April, I'm sorry," he says.

It's the truth. He _is_ sorry, really sorry. He's sorry that he has to do this to her. He is sorry that he has to hurt her. But it's the right thing to do.

April doesn't reply, only keeps on sobbing silently.

Raph can't see her like that. It's just too much for him.

"Please stop crying," he says.

Again, she doesn't react.

So Raph decides to do something he usually wouldn't do. He raises his hand and places it on her arm.

April jumps at his touch and her head shoots up. She looks at him, her eyes red from crying, her cheeks wet from the tears, and like before, Raph just wants to hug her.

"April, please," he says instead.

April studies his face, and he recognizes that there are no new tears running down her face. Which, he decides, is a good sign.

April turns her head away from him.

"I get it," she says. "You don't return my feelings."

 _You have no idea_ , Raph thinks.

But he's glad or at least he's trying to tell himself that he's glad that April finally gets it. It puts a little bit of the weight from his shoulders. In fact, he even feels that he can stay close to her for a few moments longer. Because she gets it.

So he gives her arm a little squeeze and it makes April look at him again.

"I'm sorry," he says, looking into her eyes, her beautiful, beautiful eyes. "There can never be an _us_." He takes a deep breath. "No matter how much I want it."

April's eyes widen. "What?"

Raph's heart skips a beat, panic rising in his chest, when he realizes that he said these last words out loud. He wracks his brain for something to say, but April speaks up first.

"No matter how much you want it?" she asks.

"Yeah, that's what I said," Raph replies. "No matter how much _you_ want it."

April shakes her head ever so slightly. " _No matter how much_ I _want it._ Those were your words."

"I… I…," Raph begins, trying to figure out a way out of this mess, but fails.

 _Great job, Raph! Just when she got it, you ruin everything!_

He jumps to his feet and takes a few steps back, bringing some distance between himself and April.

"What do you mean, Raph?" April asks, getting to her feet as well, looking directly into his eyes.

"April, please!" Raph calls out, holding up his hand in a gesture to keep her away. "Please, don't make me yell at you again. Please! Please, stay away! We can't do this! _I_ can't do this!

He retreats to the door. April watches him with a frown on her face.

"Anyways, I'm back, I'm okay, and, well, good night!" he says quickly. He opens the door and steps out into the corridor, closing the door as fast as he can. And then he simply flees to the room he shares with his brothers. April for sure won't follow him there. But he only allows himself to breathe when he's closed the door behind him.

He can hear Mikey snore, and somehow, it's a soothing sound. He checks the room and realizes that his three brothers are fast asleep, even Donnie. That's good. That's something normal.

Raph silently makes his way to his bed and lies down on his back. Something's telling him he's most certainly not going to find any sleep tonight. And that's okay. He just closes his eyes and places a hand over his heart, a heart that's still hammering in his chest. A heart that is still hurting. A heart that is still spreading a warm feeling through his body.


End file.
